I always judged myself as shy, whilst hesitating to use that word about me. Why? Because I had so much judgement of it, and somehow thought by not talking about it, only mentioning it to the people closest to me who I could trust, somehow nobody else would know.
Of course everybody knew. That’s how secrets are. Everyone knows what we try to conceal about us.
And what was so awful that I wanted to hide it about me? Well, here is the dictionary definition, which still makes me feel a tiny bit “yuk.”
“The tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people.”
Mmmmmm - my whole life was dominated by the fear of meeting new people, the fear of appearing stupid, and if it came to speaking up in front of people, the whole thing escalated! I remember a time when I had to do some presentations for work: they were every six months, and I would spend two months worrying about them, and two months beating myself up for the failure I had been again! That didn’t leave much time for relaxing and enjoying my life!
Hello I’m Fiona and I’m magic!
Here’s the story of my remembering and acknowledging that I’m magic.
I’ve been in Mexico for the past few weeks as many of you know and now I’m in the United States. Before all this, I was thinking about where I’d like to spend the winter and for no apparent reason apart from the obvious - it’s sunny and yummy, it’s delicious and it’s beautiful - Mexico popped.
I managed to fly to Mexico literally two days before the UK shut down completely. Once I booked my flight to Mexico, I found out a really super, exciting thing. If I were in Mexico for two weeks, I’d be able to fly to the United States, to Houston, to do my favourite class in the entire Access Consciousness year, the Maestro class.
Hola from Mexico.
I am in Cancun now, which is a big city on the Caribbean coast.
It’s so funny. I’ve been in Mexico just a little bit more than two weeks and I’ve already moved around the country three or four times. Apart from my first stopover in Mexico City, which was fine, for some reason or another, the other places have not been fun even though I had spent hours and hours on the computer, determined to make my next destination even better! I was trying to force it and figure this out!
But figuring it out never works. Here’s the thing. Figuring it out comes from our sweet heads and yet, my body was letting me know otherwise. The last place I stayed was so intense and my body was contracting and reacting so much that I couldn’t work like I planned. I scarcely did anything!
Hello again from Mexico! I’m going to jump right in and talk with you about jet lag and my brilliant Healy. It’s a little bio-resonance tool and I want to talk to about this amazing thing that’s happened using this little machine (I’ll talk about what Healy actually is and how it works in my future videos and blog posts).
As some of you know, I arrived in Mexico City on Monday to not only high altitude, a six-hour time difference as well. In the past I’ve had days and days of real struggles with awful jet lag yuck until my body got into the new time zone.
Without much preparation, I jetted off. I certainly hadn’t given any thought to time differences. On my first night, after a walk, I went to bed at 10 and slept til 6 and thought ok it’s early for me to wake up but not too bad. Maybe jet lag won’t be an issue.
Yes, I am amazingly in Mexico!!!!! How does it get better than this?
That I am actually here could be called "lucky", a "miracle" or "jammy" as a friend of mine called me on social media!
I arrived a couple of days before the UK declared that nobody could travel for a few weeks.
And I have to acknowledge that I was aware of something. Aware of the need to move quickly. Aware actually, that however much I may love facilitating live classes, as I did from August to October this year, now is not the time to be doing that in Europe.
Sex is one of the most judged activities on the planet. Different cultures have different ways of expressing that judgement – and the result of judgement is never expansive. Judgement will always kill possibilities, and in this case, the possibilities are for communion and pleasure with our own body, and our partner’s body.
So, to fully answer the question why did I create this class, I need to go back in time. It’s only recently that I have realised this, it was so deeply buried in my psyche – when I was a child, I was highly aware of my body, and the pleasure it could give me. That was pretty much stamped out of me; it was made clear to me in different ways by my Mum and my Dad that that kind of enjoyment was not “suitable” and “appropriate” in our family.
As a teenager, and actually all through my adult life in different ways, I was confused about sex, and the sexual experiences me and my friends were having, or seemed to be having. We actually didn’t talk about the details a great deal. We were “nice” British “gals” or young ladies after all.
Are you feeling intense sometimes? And what do you do when you are?
I was away for five weeks in different places (Czech Republic, Brazil, Italy, South of UK and Romania) facilitating classes and being in classes, and had lots to say. When I got home, I had promised myself that I would carry on creating, keep up the momentum…………………….and actually I have been struggling with a lot of physical pain and emotional intensity.
Which I actually get is my body and being “realigning” to a new space of being, which maybe doesn’t have to entail pain, but in this case it did for me! And I get that it is very intense for many of us at the moment.
Are you being stupid with something in your life?
Well, my name is Fiona and I am stupid with money! LOL
This has been my judgement of me = and of course it was a total secret, not something I would shout out over Facebook, send to my mailing list or do a blog post about!!! LOL
And as I was judging me and worrying about it, and worrying what people would think about my stupidity, I get I was creating it - universe could just hear stupidity money, money stupidity, stupidity money, money stupidity .........
I have spent quite a bit of time over the last couple of weeks with my parents.
My Dad, who is now 88, has been looking after my Mum for the last few years, as she has been increasingly suffering from dementia. And now he realises that he can't cope, that he needs some help, that they actually need to leave the home they have been living in for nearly twenty years.
Beyond that, my Dad has the sense that he will die soon, that actually the life he is living, with so much pain and so many restrictions on his body, is not worth living.
It's now nearly exactly six years since I found out about Access Consciousness and attended my first Access Bars class. And six years later, here we are at the train station in Manchester Piccadilly running Bars on strangers!!!
I loved Bars from the very beginning - even before I received the Bars, I somehow knew there was something special about it, something that would totally change me and my life.
That's how it has been - over the last six years, everything in my life has changed, expanded, grown, and I get happier and happier and happier - and I see that with countless friends and people who come for sessions and classes!
Are you fed up with an “ordinary” life? Maybe you're stressed out, struggling with low mood, or physical illness? Maybe there's a particular area of your life you would like to change?